Faith to Move on

     It has been along time since I have had the desire or felt like I wanted to write about the last few months.  It has been a challenging few months for me both physically and emotionally.
     In February, it was determined that I would  need another surgery to remove fibroids from my uterus. The surgery was scheduled for two hours and it ended up taking almost six.  The doctor removed 28 fibroids.  The doctor, who has been practicing for over 25 years, said it was the most fibroids he has ever removed and he still didn't get them all.  I lost a lot of blood and required a blood transfusion.  I spent two nights in the hospital.   
     I came home a few days later hoping to feel better, but it seemed I kept getting worse.  I went in to see the doctor.  He did some tests and discovered that I was bleeding internally and that I would need an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. 
    I admit this was hard to hear. There were a lot of tears.  I had always hoped that by some miracle we would be blessed with getting pregnant.  I knew the chances were small but I also knew it could happen.  After all, I knew of many couples who had struggled with infertility for years and eventually were able to have children.  This, I hoped, would be us.
     Often, we hear of childless women in the scripture and that as a result of their faithfulness, are blessed to bare children. This was my hope.  There is an assumption that if we pray hard enough, fast, have priesthood blessings and faith that this miracle and blessing will happen. Well, hearing the news of having to have a hysterectomy was hard. Did that mean I did not have faith?  Did I not desire enough the blessing of children? Was something wrong with me that I couldn't bring this blessing about with enough faith?  It hurt!
     Amid the difficult second surgery and the complications that followed it,  there were very tender mercies where the Lord tenderly embraced me and helped me accept what needed to be done.  The Lord held me and helped me to stand when I didn't think I could.  Even though the miracle I wanted didn't happen, he gave me other miracles that gave me assurances that he was there and hadn't left me alone.  He knew what I felt.  He gave me increased faith to accept that this is God's plan for me even though it wasn't what I wanted.  He gave me faith to move forward.
    I wouldn't trade Clarissa or the way she came into our family for anything. This is one of the greatest blessings of my life.  While I mourn the loss of not being able to bare a child from my own body, I am forever grateful for adoption and the blessing it has brought into my life to have my own child and to be called, 'Mother.'